Love this song
May 15, 2012 in Life
I can think of someone when I listen to it. Sadly, I’m not able to express it. 
Love this song
I can think of someone when I listen to it. Sadly, I’m not able to express it.
Description
I’m not who I was. This is true!
Describes Her
This song describes my last relationships… Sadly.
On an interesting note…
I networked with someone on Twitter today. She was responding to another friends tweet concerning a wish for someone that we all know exists somewhere. She is interesting, smart, and appears to be successful. She is that ideal person I’d like to meet, and speak with. Not for anything in particular, except to talk to a tech enthusiast who isn’t a guy. I like talking to tech smart women, mostly because they generally don’t fit a stereotype.
Oh, and if you’re looking for a house, here you go: http://www.coastalcaitlin.com/
Happy Birthday?
May 14, 2012 in Life, Relationships
Today is someone’s birthday. I can’t make myself call, text, or message her. For some reason twitter seems to be OK though. Maybe it’s the anonymity and the idea that perhaps it just gets lost in the fray of every day posts. I’d like to wish them a happy “24th,” but it’s just not in the cards anymore.
So I say Happy Birthday to someone on the internet. A person that used to mean so much to me, but just wasn’t able to be with me anymore. Who knows what the future holds. I just know I’m not going to try to please someone who isn’t going to think about anyone, but themselves..
The past that shapes tomorrow.
May 8, 2012 in Family, Friends, Life, Love, Mirielle, Relationships, Sidney, Wendy
I can’t help but want to fix the past that has left me so damaged. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of how I could change things. However, doing so might change the future as I know it. I started talking to Sidney again in January. It was really uncomfortable at first, but in the end we were able to look past everything that caused hurt so we could just let go. I did the same with Wendy, making it possible for us to speak again, and our family to come together once more. I feel more confident about those I leave behind, so it can’t be used against me in the future.
Mirielle is an enigma that I can’t seem to shake though. I’m not sure if it’s because of how long we were together, or if it’s because of the love I felt for her. It was the strongest love I’d had since leaving Wendy. Sidney didn’t even come close to it, but that wasn’t a fault of hers. I just wasn’t ready for the commitment she wanted from me. Cancer put a really big strain on our ability to speak to one another. I loved Mirielle more than I’ve loved anyone, and this love I felt was just too much to forget in a short period of time.
This leads me to Lizz. I had made peace with the past that plagued me, and tried with all I had to make sure it wasn’t in the way. I felt great when I was with her, and I couldn’t wait for every second that I heard from her. She is going to Nursing school, had a life changing event, her mother was a link to Cancer (sadly she passed), but her past is something she can’t seem to shake. I know what it’s like to hold on to something, only for it to hurt someone you love in the future. So I’ve done a lot to make sure that doesn’t happen again.
The fact is that I miss Lizz. I miss her so much, and the fact that butterflies are everywhere right now isn’t helping that. I just don’t think I can feel like a mistake, or that I’m not good enough. I can’t keep making myself vulnerable for someone that isn’t going to do the same. I feel really hurt by this, and I’m doing what I can to try and leave it behind. She called me last night asking to meet with me so we could talk. I’m not really sure what she wants to talk about, or why she would want to meet with me. I’m hesitant, nervous, and not really in a position to just hear her explain why she can’t be with me. If you can’t be with me, leave it alone. I don’t want to be played with.
I said goodbye to her the other day. It was a long message about no longer wishing to continue our speaking. Not because I want to take control of a situation, but because I need her to understand that I can’t be her friend. I can’t be that person who just acts like we never were together. I’ll want more than she can ever give me, and I’m not ready to feel let down. So if she reads this, and only serves to meet with me to explain her lack of commitment in a relationship, I’ll feel like I’ve wasted my time.
Time is all I have left on earth. I’m not rich, and I don’t have much to my name anymore. I have my friends, the best health I can have, and a family I can never let go of. However, time is precious to me, and the time I use up being with someone who can’t be there for me, isn’t an investment I want to make anymore. What I want is someone to want me, to hold me, to love me, and to be there for me. I don’t want someone who thinks they can’t be what I need or want. I just know that I want to love again, and I’m willing to do anything to compromise in a relationship.
I’ve made my mistakes also, but my past does not define me. So I’m hoping the next person that comes my way is able to understand and accept me for who I am. I’m not the average guy that is only after looks. I want the emotion that comes with it. Friends tend to express their disappointment with my lack of being around when I’m in a relationship. The reason is easy. I dedicate as much time to the one I love, and nothing gets in the way of that. Is it too much to ask for someone to genuinely want me for me? The past that shapes tomorrow, is the same past that hurt me. That doesn’t mean all I think about is the hurt that was caused as a result. I look forward to the gifts God will bring. The rewards for this challenging life will be great, and I just need to have a little hope.
Goodbye, what does it mean to me….
May 8, 2012 in Life, Love, Relationships
I’m always called out on my inability to say the word “goodbye” to anyone. It’s always had this strange stigma in my vocabulary, and therefore, I will not say it to any human soul that I care about. When I finally do, it’s because they are leaving this earth, or because it’s best that we no longer speak to one another. What happens when someone you care about, that you said “goodbye” to, suddenly calls you up? I freak out. Not in a bad way by any means, but I don’t know how to react. I go in circles all day trying to figure out all the emotion that this very person put me through.
It’s easy to see why so many people know so much about me. I write in the blog, share things on Twitter, and post frequently on Facebook. I mean, look at my webpage and see the Instagram photo’s I’ve posted the last few days. It’s not a secret, that I’m not a secret. I don’t like to be held so close, that no one in the world will know that I exist. If I bring so much happiness in your life, why would you want to not tell anyone about me? Think about that for a second. If I stopped eating all food in front of people, and didn’t mention eating, how would you know what I like to eat? You ask, you observe, and you discuss it anytime food is present. So if I’m the favorite part of your life, why would you want to conceal me?
I don’t understand people’s motives in regards to this. If you’re going to be with me, then do so, and be happy sharing it with anyone that will listen. I also shouldn’t have to deal with attacks from people that I don’t know. You should be willing to stand up for me, since you decided you wanted to be with me. I have never allowed anyone to attack a person I’ve been with when they are holding my hand, sharing my life, or helping me tell the story of my life. I never once got that same treatment. Instead I was made to feel like a mistake in someone else’s life. A part of them that they felt wasn’t for anyone to know; unless of course, they asked. I pressured them into telling their family? I mean really? I’m very close to my family, and they want to know everything that is going on in my life. I share my story with them, just as much as they share their story with me. I would expect no less from another person.
I am worth so much better than someone who selfishly keeps me from being a part of their life. A relationship is about commitment, understanding, and trust. Love will always develop as we evolve, and sadly I started to fall again. Unfortunately, it was never going to work because the person can’t get overcome their own past to do so. Even saying that all I thought of them was moving on from their past. It’s not my job to focus on your past, it’s my duty to accept you just as you are. Fully accepting your flaws, your strengths, and weaknesses. That is what someone does that wants to be with you. So excuse me for believing the words you said to me.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that it will hold no more secret of me. I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel like I’m not worthy enough to share with your friends or family. Goodbye, what does it mean to me? It means just that. I wish you the best of luck, and if I ever do see you again, I would hope it’s for good reason. I don’t need to be made to feel any less deserving as the next person. I also don’t need to feel like you can make all the time in the world for your friends, and not make any time for me. It’s selfish in every way. So I’m going to do what you’ve done to me, and just look at you as an option. Not a priority. I don’t make people a priority who don’t do the same for me.
This post is written with a lot of anger and resentment. It’s what I dislike in my life. I dislike negativity, and now for some reason a person wants to drag me into it. If the words, “I want you back in my life” aren’t what you’re going to say, then I don’t have time for you. I want anyone reading this to understand that this is written for the purpose of one person to comprehend. I’m not any better than anyone else, but I will not be undervalued again. I will not be made to feel like a mistake, when all I did was share my love for you. I’m thankful that I’m not “a loser.” I guess it takes a loser to know a loser? I have no idea, but I will just move on knowing that I am worth every bit of my weight in faith, hope, and love.
